25% down, an eternity to go

I thought we would hand out some grades before numbnuts reporters write things like, "The dog days of summer are here!"

(I've never understood what that was supposed to mean. It's like saying something to the effect of, "The rhinoceros days of May are almost over." Truly, it makes no sense. Had I used that on The Orion (college paper), Professor Glen Bleske would have mocked and ridiculed me for an entire semester.)

On to the report card:

A

Matt Morris -- I can't believe I'm saying this, but Matt "I have one pitch, a curveball, and by God I'm going to throw it every chance I get" Morris has been a savior. Really, I can't believe I'm saying this. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat some tasty crow.

Noah Lowry -- He's been just as consistent as Morris (arguably better, actually) but he's run into some tough luck. Entering the season, Morris and Lowry were the two question marks in the rotatoin. Through 9 turns, they've been the strength. I cannot remember a starting rotation in my time as a Giants fan that has been this deep. And I'll say it again, Sabean would be a fool to trade Lowry. Lefty starters like this don't come around too often (unless you're willing to pay $126 million).

Randy Winn -- We know the story. He had a huge two months after the Giants acquired him in 2005. Brian Sabean, in all his infinite wisdom, decided that that was enough to give him a 3-year, $24 million deal (ironic mainly because he didn't take into account Winn's "track record."). He had a crap year last year, which everybody pretty much predicted. And now he's the Giants best hitter and a couple games away from matching Robby Thompson for the longest hitting streak by a Giant in the last 30 years. So, here's my question: Is he this good or is he just riding another prolonged hot streak? And if he is just riding another prolonged hot streak, is there another GM gullible enough to take his contract off the Giants' hands?

B+

Matt Cain -- Would have had an A if not for his meltdown against Philly. He's the rock of the rotation for the next 10 years. He's only going to get better and better and better.

Tim Lincecum -- Ditto. Right down to the Philly thing. Totally came out of nowhere. Wait... I've talked about him too much already.

Benji Molina -- I don't know where they would be without his bat. However, when he's on base, it takes an act of God to get him from first to third. Gotta be the slowest runner the game has ever seen. Has he had dual hip replacements or something? Seems like he calls a good game behind the plate though, which is kind of, like, his most important job function.


B


Brad Hennessey -- You're lying if you say you predicted Hennessey would turn into a solid setup man. That means you, Bochy. Still, you know your bullpen is problematic when you say the words, "You know, Hennessey has turned into a pretty solid setup man."

Barry Bonds -- Stapes called it. Something is wrong with Bonds. He was hot early, but he's been a statue at the plate lately.

Fred Lewis & Dan Ortmeier -- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. They haven't even played 10 games yet. I don't care. Both have been pleasant surprises. The team could be in a world of hurt right now if these guys didn't step up when Dave Roberts hurt his vagina. Although, I think the league is figuring out that Lewis is vulnerable on the outside breaking ball. Seriously, he doesn't swing at it. Just watch. If you can throw it for a strike, you turn him into a .000 hitter.

Kevin Frandsen -- I like this kid and he needs to get more PT. By "backing up" at 3b, SS and 2b, I reckon he could play four times a week. Think about it. Vizquel hit a wall this year, Durham is a pulled hamstring waiting to happen, and Feliz is absolutely horrible. Why couldn't he play four times a week? Could the production be any worse than what they currently are getting?

C

Jack Taschner -- I wonder what goes through Bochy's mind when he looks down his bullpen and says, "There's a tough lefty coming up, we gotta get Tash loose." Does he pop an Alka-Seltzer before or after saying that?

Kevin Correia -- Correia is starting to come around, but he received a C based solely on the wildfire that he set in Denver early in the season.

Ray Durham -- I'd say we're about two weeks away from Durham's annual hamstring problem. At this point, the lineup wouldn't be missing much and the defense would improve. In reality, Durham would be a pretty effective #6 hitter, but he's miscast as "protection" for Bonds. At times he's been awful.

Rich Aurilia -- Ladies and gentleman, I would like to introduce the worst #3 hitter in baseball. That's not necessarily an insult. It's just reality. Aurilia would be a solid #6 or 7 hitter, but he has been asked to be a vital cog in the offense. Kind of like saying, "Hey, why don't we take the ol' 1973 GMC pickup on a cross-country trip?" Probably not going to produce.

Ryan Klesko -- Who invited Klesko to bat second all of a sudden? When Tim Flannery gave him the sign to bunt last night, did he laugh? I did.

Eliezar Alfonzo -- I think he closes his eyes when he swings. Seriously. I'm not kidding. See ball, hit ball, run like a cement mixer. Pure comedy.

Mark Sweeney -- So, Mark, about that whole amphetamine thing... Do you think you can get back on them?

Dave Roberts -- I'm reminded of something my grandfather used to say about my dad, "He was a good boy when he slept. He just didn't sleep enough." If my grandfather was a baseball fan, he would say about Roberts, "He's a good boy when he gets on base. He just doesn't get on base enough." Should be back in late June.

Vinnie Chulk -- Blaaaaa. Translated to German, Vinnie Chulk means: Scott Munter, Billy Sadler, Brian Wilson, Patrick Misch, Osiris Matos, Justin Hedrick. In other words, take a hike, Choke.

Russ Ortiz -- He was a good story in Spring Training, but the Giants had another one by the name of The Franchise.

D

Barry Zito -- If you're getting paid to be the best pitcher in baseball, you damn well better be somewhere close to that. At the very least, you can't be in the bottom half. I don't think the Giants expect Zito to be the weak link in the rotation for the rest of the year, but that's what he is at the moment.

Omar Vizquel -- Um, he got old fast. Weren't they talking about extending his contract by two more years in Spring Training? Please don't. I love Omar and I enjoy watching him play defense, but he's out of gas.

Jonathan Sanchez -- The lefty was sent to Fresno yesterday to make room for Ortiz. It was the best thing for him. He needs more work. The 24-year-old has an electric arm and he can be a dominant setup man -- or a solid starter. I'll be following his numbers in Fresno. If Sabean has half a brain, he will not trade this guy.

Pedro Feliz -- He has the second most homers on the team. The offense is pitiful. I think the plug was pulled on the Pedro Feliz experience a couple of months ago, but somebody forgot to tell Bochy or Sabean.

F

Steve Kline -- Kind of like tits on a boar. In other words, totally worthless. At least he's locked up for another year. What, was Sabean afraid he wasn't going to be available next year?

Armando Benitez -- I haven't hated too many players while they were wearing the orange and black. But I hate Benitez. I hate Benitez. I hate Benitez.

Hate him.

F quintuple minus

Todd Linden -- To say that Todd Linden was a "trainwreck" would be like saying the war in Iraq is a "disturbance." He was worse than Feliz, and I didn't think that was possible.